A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO DEAN-ESE
Dean-ese is a unique language in the global lexicon. It is known to be spoken by only one person on earth and requires no actual words to make its meaning patently clear.
Set out below is a beginners guide to conversational Dean-ese.
Rating: T for one slightly naughty word
Word Count: 200
Disclaimer: Don't own them and I don't speak Dean-ese either.
Forced smile … Hello (to men)
Warm smile … Hello (to women)
Warm smile with predatory smirk … Hello, you're hot as hell so can we just skip the foreplay and get to the good stuff?
Warm smile with lop-sided smirk … Hello, I'm wasted so can we just skip the foreplay and get to the good stuff?
Soppy smile … Hey baby, d'y want an oil change?
Contemptuous grunt … (Usually reserved for authority figures) How very interesting.
Derisory snort with exaggerated eye-roll … You're talking crap (to strangers).
Derisory snort with affectionate shoulder punch … You're talking crap (to Sam).
Predatory snarl and death glare … No-one else says Sammy's talking crap unless they want me to feed them their own eyeballs.
Wet sniff … I'm not sick!
Wet cough … Sammy, quit fussin', I'm not sick.
Warning growl … Sammy, if you come near me with that friggin' thermometer once more, I'll stick it where the sun don't shine.
Projectile vomit over Sam's boots … Okay, maybe I am a bit sick.
Puzzled frown … I think that's right.
Shit-faced grin … Okay, I can't get it right all the time.
Gleeful grin … Some frickin' fugly-ass spirit is gonna get it's ass ganked tonight.
Great big, manly back-slapping hug … I love ya Sasquatch.